I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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