just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
