I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
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