Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
