So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize