My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
