Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
