why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Randomize
