ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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