Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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