I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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