Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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