somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
