Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
