you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
