I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
bring money and cleavage
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
