Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
