You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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