My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
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