I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
You are a genius and a whore.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
