I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
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