Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
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i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
