were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
