The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
