2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize