My sheets look like a crime scene.
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
