Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Randomize
