Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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