after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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