If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Randomize