He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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