Got a toothbrush?
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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