dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
