The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
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