Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
