I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
