i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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