Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
