your parents love me but you hate me
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
