I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Randomize
