Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
