got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
