Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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