i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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