once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Randomize
