I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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