Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
