We should be called the Road Head Warriors
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Randomize
