even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize