I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
