she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
So many bounce houses so little time
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
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