____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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