Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
