and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
