my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Congratulations! We have a period
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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