so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I didn't notice because vodka
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I have already put on my inside pants.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
