Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Someone stole a lamp last night.
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