Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
the day after is always just damage control
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
