Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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