Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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