Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
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